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Overcoming Fear & Food Addiction

Hello Everyone!!!! It’s been a hot minute since I posted.  Life-it’s crazy.

I’ve been really struggling in the last few weeks.  Things have been crazy stressful and I just want to eat everything.  Unfortunately I’ve given into that indulgence and I feel horrible about myself.  I’ve picked back up exercising in the last few weeks- not like before but it’s almost like starting over.

I was inspired to write today because I did a 5K today.  This was first attempt at a traditional 5K since my failed attempt in 2014.  It’s not uncommon for me to go out to my favorite park here in Columbia and pound out a 5K.  I know physically I can do it.  Today was a mental struggle of epic proportions.  First and foremost- The. Hills.  I almost died- literally.  I used to live in the neighborhood where the race was held and I knew the hills were crazy.  It was a fear going into this but my goodness.  Second- almost as soon as I started and throughout the race, I had the craziest internal battle with myself.

In an instant, I was back at that race in 2014 at 281 pounds- unable to even walk a mile.  I struggled.  I thought I was gonna die more than once.  My knee is still really mad at me.  Most importantly, I finished.  I wanted to quit more often than I wanted to keep going.  I “wogged” for 1 minute intervals at various times through the race.  It wasn’t my fastest time, but you know what? I overcame every mental block I had and finished.  

Now if I could apply that mental tenacity to my food addiction.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I know what I need to eat and what I don’t.  I feel like I can’t resist the cravings.  I have fallen back into really bad habits.  Although weight wise, I’m nowhere close to where I used to be, I’m nowhere close to where I need to be either.  The thing I don’t understand and I need to figure out is why.  I’m happy. I have stress and my life is not perfect.  However, for those who remember my life before moving and changing jobs, I’m lightyears from where I used to be.  Why can I not quit food?!?!  It’s frustrating.  It’s like a drug addict that knows they should be doing it but yet they still get high.  I’m really going to try to focus on getting back on track this week.  I need to feel good about myself again.  Right now I don’t and that is another story for another day.  

So that’s where I’m at. Y’all know I’m all about honesty in this journey.  I’m not perfect.  This journey takes me two steps forward and four steps back.  Life is tough but by golly, I’m tougher.  I hope to check back with you soon!


ÔĽŅWhen all else fails…

I know I have been really slack at updating this thing.  My life has just been insane since my job change/move in January.  I was semi-settled when I joined back up with weight watchers.  I started exercising- often working out twice a day most days.  The only problem was that I felt like I was always hungry!  I tried eating healthy foods and yet the scale was not moving at all.  Infuriating!

So I went to the doctor at the beginning of July and explained my weight had not changed in several months despite my best efforts.  She said to keep going and eventually it would change.  Then she gave me the option of taking phentrimine.  It’s an appetite suppressant.  I took the written prescription and decided to do some research on it to decide if I wanted to proceed down that route.

Y’all know I’ve been a huge advocate of natural weight loss.  Exercise and good eating should do the trick right? Apparently my body is an anomaly.  I legit gained 5 lbs in a week even exercising and eating right.  FIVE POUNDS!  I decided enough is enough.  After talking to everyone and their mom that has taken this medicine at one point in time and thorough research, I decided to accept the assistance of the pill.  I started taking it a week ago Thursday and so far I’ve lost 6 pounds.  Logically, I know most of that is water weight, but my appetite is under control and my workouts have definitely benefited from the “boost” that the pill gives me.  I am only allowed to take it for three months, by law, as it is a controlled substance.  The sole purpose of my taking it is to break through the plateau.

My biggest concern is my legs.  I see all these weight loss stories where people have big legs and they lose weight and bam- they have awesome legs.  I can’t seems to beg away the fat on my legs.  I’ve done some research into why this is and everything that I have found leads me to a condition called lipedema.  This is not to be confused with lymphedema, which is similar but much different.  When I go for a follow up with the Doctor, I am going to talk to her about it.  The scary part of lipedema is that the fat is not affected by diet and exercise.  It can be controlled that way, but the only cure is liposuction and that is not in the cards for me at all.  Not a lot of doctors know a ton about lipedema because not many study particular types of fat.  It’s worth a shot to chat with my doctor about it and move on from there.

I’ve been very nervous to mention anything about taking the pills as a part of my journey.  Admitting a weakness is not the easiest thing in the world for me.  I’m looking forward to seeing if this will help.  It’s still very new and I’m very much getting used to it.  

I’ve started back to kickboxing.  I forgot how much I missed it! If you are in the Columbia Area, specifically Cayce/West Columbia, come check out TNT Martial Arts and Fitness on Knox Abbott!  The people are awesome and you will get a great workout!

I’ll try to start updating more often.  I’m very lucky to still have a great support system.  I’m glad life is finally settling to where I can get back into a routine.  

Still #sexyinprogress


*taps the mic* Testing, Testing 1 2 3… Anyone out there?

I made a decision last week to sign back up for Weight Watchers.  I need the food structure because even though I was eating healthy and exercising, my scale was not moving.  It was so very frustrating!  I like the new WW format because they have this feature called “Connect.”  It’s like social media for fellow WW followers.  The people are so supportive and so motivational.  

So today was my first weigh in and I lost 3.2lbs.  That’s huge.  It’s been a really big motivator for me to continue to be active.  I’ve made a great friend that has also lost a bit of weight himself.  We are always talking healthy recipes and food downfalls.  

Another big motivator is that all of a sudden I have a TON of weddings to go to in the coming months.  This means I have to do my best to look as fab as possible…since I’ll be the “Spinster” at said weddings. ūüôā (Anyone see my cane?)

I’m excited to finally see the scale moving in the right direction. I just keep reminding myself that it’s all going to be worth it.  #sexyinprogress #sweatingformybrotherswedding #weighinwednesday

When your Doctor smacks you in the face.

I’ve been very open about my struggles to find my new routine here in Columbia.  The struggle is so real, folks.  I’ve tried everything to get my weight loss mojo back. 

I went to the doctor this morning for a well visit.  My new doctor is very personable and very nice.  I’m glad she was able to get me in- nearly every other doctor in Columbia is not accepting new patients.  However, in going over all of my information, she slapped me right in my face.  Of course I’m meaning that in the figurative sense.  Meet my present conditions: Hypothyroidism and Morbid Obesity.  MORBID.  OBESITY.  Just typing the words makes me want to cry.  I’m in better health that I have ever been in my adult life.  I’ve made inordinate amount of changes.  Sure, I struggle but morbidly obese?  Holy Crap.  

I guess clinically speaking I am morbidly obese since I’m over 100lbs overweight.  However, I guess when I think of morbidly obese, I think of people bigger than I.  It motivates me and makes me feel terrible at the same time.  I feel the same as when I was weighed in at my heaviest weight several years ago- 291lbs.  

Have you ever gotten a figurative slap in the face?  What did it do to make your life changes?

SPECIAL NOTE:  I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me personally to offer that I try out their various health and weight loss products.  I am so happy that you have found something that works for you.  However, I am working on doing this without any supplements, quick fixes, cleanses, etc. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your offers, but I’m just not interested.  This is a lifestyle change for me.  That being said, I am working through these trials and tribulations because my weight is always going to be an issue.  I’m always going to want cake instead of fruit.  I’m always going to want a cheeseburger instead of grilled chicken.  My reality is those things are what got me here.  No supplement, fasting, or cleanse is going to change that.  I hope you all grow and have successful businesses.  Please don’t be offended that I will not be one of your customers.

Until next time, Friends, keep working on your #SexyInProgress and know that I’m gonna be working on shedding not only weight, but also that “morbidly obese” title.  

Know Your Worth

*Steps on my Soapbox*

This topic has been heavy on my heart for a while, yet I haven’t been able to find the right words (which I will explain in just a second). ¬†Then this morning, I was checking my Facebook and a dear friend of mine posted a status that brought the issue back to the forefront of my mind. ¬†I just can’t stop thinking about it. ¬†So here goes-

Self Esteem is a crazy thing.  Our self esteem is affected by all kinds of outside forces- TV, movies, strangers, loved ones, etc.  Self Esteem is a monster that I struggle with every single day from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.  Most of the time, no one knows what the heck is going on in my head when it comes to this topic.

I read an article by Shape magazine that said that if a woman has lost a significant amount of weight, she should not tell her potential love interest until sometime after date 5. ¬†Why should a woman feel insecure about a major accomplishment in her life? ¬†Weight loss doesn’t define me, but I’m damn proud of the 40 pounds I’ve lost so far because I worked hard for that. ¬†Whether I’m a size 22 or a size 2 (in my dreams), I’m still the same person. ¬†Why would I want to go on 5 dates with a “Summer’s Eve” just to find out that he doesn’t want to proceed getting to know me because I used to be a size 22? ¬†This is the perfect example of outside influences on one’s self esteem. ¬†Weight loss is NOTHING to be ashamed of. ¬†Be proud of your accomplishments!

Now, my good friend whom I’ve known for longer than I think we care to admit (*cough* 15 years or so *cough*) posted this morning that a “friend” (and I use that term VERY loosely) messaged her after she posted some selfies over the weekend. ¬†Now when she posted these pictures, she advised that she had gotten some new makeup and put on some eyelashes and you could tell she was feeling good about herself. ¬†Now this amazing friend of mine is a fabulous cook (if her pictures are any indication) as well as a wonderful friend and girlfriend. ¬†She and her BooThang just went through a situation that no human or couple should have to go through. ¬†Yet, when she posted a selfie of herself feeling good, her “friend” reached out to her to advise that she looked pretty in the pictures but it looks like she had gained weight. ¬†REALLY?!?!?! ¬†My friend has been open about the situation they have been through so for this friend to reach out to say this was completely unnecessary and uncalled for. ¬†My friend went on to admit that she, though normally very self confident, has been feeling very low about herself though she hasn’t let anyone know. ¬†This message was just salt in the wound for her. ¬†It made her feel worse about herself.

Now I know many of you are saying “Well, maybe the friend was worried about her health…yada yada yada” NO. ¬†Expressing concern about someone’s health is not done in this way. ¬†Why have we become a society of people that like to tear each other down because of the numbers on a scale or the size of our pants? ¬†Why do we use “concern” to cover the fact that we are just being rude? ¬†I’m not just referring to overweight people either. ¬†Skinny people get it too! ¬†When did shaming become okay? ¬†When we could hide behind the keys of a computer?

Let’s all take a minute to walk in someone else’s shoes. ¬†I could stand to do the same. ¬†I’ve never understood someone who just needs to lose 10 pounds. ¬†I’ll admit that I do an internal eye roll when I talk about my own journey and a “skinny” girl says “Oh yes! ¬†I’m struggling to lose 10 pounds.” ¬†See? ¬†I just shamed her in my head. ¬†I’m guilty. ¬†Now I can relate to being fat shamed. ¬†I read comments about fat shaming and not only does it make me angry, but it makes me sad. ¬†How many times has someone looked at my picture and said “Girl needs to stay away from the buffet!” ¬†The truth is buffets disgust me. ¬†Someone who doesn’t know me will never know that.

Have you ever realized how much self esteem affects your surroundings even when you don’t show it? ¬†I’ve been off my game since I moved. ¬†I’m having a rough time adjusting and finding my new normal. ¬†I joined a gym, but it’s not my gym. ¬†I don’t feel comfortable because I don’t feel comfortable with me. ¬†I’ve felt absolutely horrible about myself in the last few weeks. ¬†I just want to cry because I don’t like what I see in the mirror. ¬†Yet, I don’t want to go to the gym to help do something about it because I don’t want people to look at me thinking “Look at that fat girl! ¬†What is she doing in here?” ¬†I had these same fears at Chucktown until my trainer CJ told me “No one is looking at you. ¬†Everyone is in here for their own reasons- to maintain, to build muscle, or to lose weight. ¬†You don’t worry about anyone else. ¬†You focus on you.” ¬†I didn’t believe him at the time, but you know what? ¬†He was right. ¬†However, it’s not the same atmosphere. ¬†Luckily, I’m not in a contract, so I’ll cancel and move on. ¬†I get a discount at the YMCA so I’m going to try that out- but I digress.

Self esteem also affects our relationships.  My Ex-Boyfriend told me once that he hated when I talked bad about myself.  He said that I would talk about my disgust for the 10 pounds that I had gained.  He said it hurt him to hear me talk about myself that way because he thought I was beautiful with or without the 10 pounds.  The old adage is true- no one can love you until you love yourself.

So why is it so hard to love ourselves despite what we see in the mirror? ¬†We’ve become so conditioned to measure our self worth based on outward appearances. ¬†We, as human beings are more than just a number on a scale or the size of their waist. ¬†We are more than the color of our skin, our hair, or our eyes. ¬†We are more than the brand of clothes we wear. ¬†We are more… we are awesome.

So if you are reading this and are feeling down about yourself or just need some friendly affirmations in your life- I am saying this to you. ¬†You are an amazing person. ¬†You have taken life’s punches and gotten back up to be here in this moment. ¬†You are a great friend, coworker, lover, sister, brother, daughter, son. ¬†You are an inspiration. ¬†You make this world better just by your presence on this Earth. ¬†Whether you know it or not, you have changed someone’s life. ¬†God chose for you to wake up breathing this morning. ¬†He gave you a purpose for your life- even if you are still searching for it. ¬†God loves you. ¬†I love you. ¬†You are perfect just the way you are.

Anyone Still There?

Wow!  Most of you know that I’ve been through some major life changes since my last blog post.  I’ve changed jobs and moved to Columbia, SC!  It’s been a great move career wise, but I’m having trouble finding my workout mojo.  I did join a gym and I’m not completely sold on it.  It’s not CHUCKTOWN and that’s difficult for me since I love my gym family so much!  I recently found out that I get a discount at the YMCA, so I’m going to try that out.  Hopefully that will also give me an opportunity to meet new people as well.  

Since my last post I’m down 5 pounds- but still up 5 from my lowest weight.  This transition has legit had me up and down and all over the place.  I really need to focus on my food and my water intake.

Hopefully things will settle down a little now that I’ve completed my move from Charleston.  My goal is to not fall back into bad habits to counteract the loneliness.  That will be the hardest part.  I’m not too proud to say that moving to a new city is incredibly lonely and having to go back and forth to Charleston every weekend has not helped since I haven’t been able to *do* anything on the weekends.  Life is a journey and this is a big adventure.  I look forward to the personal and professional growth that this adventure has the potential to provide me.

Until next time peeps, I’m gonna continue working on my #SexyInProgress

Goodbye 2015- Hello Change!

This year started off great.  Unfortunately the end of this year has not been so great.  I’ve gained back about 10 pounds in the last two months or so after being on a plateau for MONTHS.  

There is so much going on in my personal life that has taken over my entire being.  I went for my first kickboxing class in a month on Monday and I realized just how much I have been slacking off.  This makes me feel even more horrible.  My depression has been in over drive- maybe it’s the holidays.  I’m trying really hard to remember the last time I felt just truly happy with myself.  This is a huge factor in my weight loss journey.

My dear friend Judy brought me a book on meditation. I can’t wait to read it.  I’m hoping it will help me with managing stress. 

Also, I have to get control on my food.  Between stress and battling the blues, my food has been out of control.  I’ve made excuses with myself as to the justification for my bad eating habits.  That’s done.  I bought myself a new fancy planner and I am food logging everything that goes in my mouth.  In just three days I have found that I have to get better at my water intake.  I didn’t even drink half of my goal in ounces of water yesterday.  

I think my biggest shock was when I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 250.8.  Completely unacceptable.  I need to find my workout mojo again and I think this exactly the kick in the rear end I need.

So- here’s the plan of action:

  • Carb detox- cleaning out the pantry (fridge and freezer have already been cleaned out!)
  • Couch to 5K!  We are running a 5K in March and breaking the 2 hour time limit (self imposed) for the Cooper River Bridge Run in April!
  • 30 pound weight loss for 2016! (Not including the extra 10 pounds I packed back on!)
  • Manage stress- mediation, journaling- anything! I’ll try it if it helps!
  • Commit to working out at least 4 days a week and maybe even tacking on a couple of two-a-days.
  • Become a morning work out person. I feel so much better when I work out in the morning.  If only that stupid bed wasn’t so darn comfy.
  • Food log consistently!!!!
  • Drink more water!
  • This is the biggie- find my happy.  Clean out the toxins from my life (people, situations, etc) and be selfish in my happiness.

Thank you to everyone that has cheered me on.  This is a long journey.  (I mean- that’s why it’s called a journey, right?) I’m still working on my #SexyInProgress!