Hello Everyone!!!! It’s been a hot minute since I posted. Life-it’s crazy.
I’ve been really struggling in the last few weeks. Things have been crazy stressful and I just want to eat everything. Unfortunately I’ve given into that indulgence and I feel horrible about myself. I’ve picked back up exercising in the last few weeks- not like before but it’s almost like starting over.
I was inspired to write today because I did a 5K today. This was first attempt at a traditional 5K since my failed attempt in 2014. It’s not uncommon for me to go out to my favorite park here in Columbia and pound out a 5K. I know physically I can do it. Today was a mental struggle of epic proportions. First and foremost- The. Hills. I almost died- literally. I used to live in the neighborhood where the race was held and I knew the hills were crazy. It was a fear going into this but my goodness. Second- almost as soon as I started and throughout the race, I had the craziest internal battle with myself.
In an instant, I was back at that race in 2014 at 281 pounds- unable to even walk a mile. I struggled. I thought I was gonna die more than once. My knee is still really mad at me. Most importantly, I finished. I wanted to quit more often than I wanted to keep going. I “wogged” for 1 minute intervals at various times through the race. It wasn’t my fastest time, but you know what? I overcame every mental block I had and finished.
Now if I could apply that mental tenacity to my food addiction. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know what I need to eat and what I don’t. I feel like I can’t resist the cravings. I have fallen back into really bad habits. Although weight wise, I’m nowhere close to where I used to be, I’m nowhere close to where I need to be either. The thing I don’t understand and I need to figure out is why. I’m happy. I have stress and my life is not perfect. However, for those who remember my life before moving and changing jobs, I’m lightyears from where I used to be. Why can I not quit food?!?! It’s frustrating. It’s like a drug addict that knows they should be doing it but yet they still get high. I’m really going to try to focus on getting back on track this week. I need to feel good about myself again. Right now I don’t and that is another story for another day.
So that’s where I’m at. Y’all know I’m all about honesty in this journey. I’m not perfect. This journey takes me two steps forward and four steps back. Life is tough but by golly, I’m tougher. I hope to check back with you soon!