Monthly Archives: March 2016

When your Doctor smacks you in the face.

I’ve been very open about my struggles to find my new routine here in Columbia.  The struggle is so real, folks.  I’ve tried everything to get my weight loss mojo back. 

I went to the doctor this morning for a well visit.  My new doctor is very personable and very nice.  I’m glad she was able to get me in- nearly every other doctor in Columbia is not accepting new patients.  However, in going over all of my information, she slapped me right in my face.  Of course I’m meaning that in the figurative sense.  Meet my present conditions: Hypothyroidism and Morbid Obesity.  MORBID.  OBESITY.  Just typing the words makes me want to cry.  I’m in better health that I have ever been in my adult life.  I’ve made inordinate amount of changes.  Sure, I struggle but morbidly obese?  Holy Crap.  

I guess clinically speaking I am morbidly obese since I’m over 100lbs overweight.  However, I guess when I think of morbidly obese, I think of people bigger than I.  It motivates me and makes me feel terrible at the same time.  I feel the same as when I was weighed in at my heaviest weight several years ago- 291lbs.  

Have you ever gotten a figurative slap in the face?  What did it do to make your life changes?

SPECIAL NOTE:  I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me personally to offer that I try out their various health and weight loss products.  I am so happy that you have found something that works for you.  However, I am working on doing this without any supplements, quick fixes, cleanses, etc. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your offers, but I’m just not interested.  This is a lifestyle change for me.  That being said, I am working through these trials and tribulations because my weight is always going to be an issue.  I’m always going to want cake instead of fruit.  I’m always going to want a cheeseburger instead of grilled chicken.  My reality is those things are what got me here.  No supplement, fasting, or cleanse is going to change that.  I hope you all grow and have successful businesses.  Please don’t be offended that I will not be one of your customers.

Until next time, Friends, keep working on your #SexyInProgress and know that I’m gonna be working on shedding not only weight, but also that “morbidly obese” title.  

Know Your Worth

*Steps on my Soapbox*

This topic has been heavy on my heart for a while, yet I haven’t been able to find the right words (which I will explain in just a second).  Then this morning, I was checking my Facebook and a dear friend of mine posted a status that brought the issue back to the forefront of my mind.  I just can’t stop thinking about it.  So here goes-

Self Esteem is a crazy thing.  Our self esteem is affected by all kinds of outside forces- TV, movies, strangers, loved ones, etc.  Self Esteem is a monster that I struggle with every single day from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.  Most of the time, no one knows what the heck is going on in my head when it comes to this topic.

I read an article by Shape magazine that said that if a woman has lost a significant amount of weight, she should not tell her potential love interest until sometime after date 5.  Why should a woman feel insecure about a major accomplishment in her life?  Weight loss doesn’t define me, but I’m damn proud of the 40 pounds I’ve lost so far because I worked hard for that.  Whether I’m a size 22 or a size 2 (in my dreams), I’m still the same person.  Why would I want to go on 5 dates with a “Summer’s Eve” just to find out that he doesn’t want to proceed getting to know me because I used to be a size 22?  This is the perfect example of outside influences on one’s self esteem.  Weight loss is NOTHING to be ashamed of.  Be proud of your accomplishments!

Now, my good friend whom I’ve known for longer than I think we care to admit (*cough* 15 years or so *cough*) posted this morning that a “friend” (and I use that term VERY loosely) messaged her after she posted some selfies over the weekend.  Now when she posted these pictures, she advised that she had gotten some new makeup and put on some eyelashes and you could tell she was feeling good about herself.  Now this amazing friend of mine is a fabulous cook (if her pictures are any indication) as well as a wonderful friend and girlfriend.  She and her BooThang just went through a situation that no human or couple should have to go through.  Yet, when she posted a selfie of herself feeling good, her “friend” reached out to her to advise that she looked pretty in the pictures but it looks like she had gained weight.  REALLY?!?!?!  My friend has been open about the situation they have been through so for this friend to reach out to say this was completely unnecessary and uncalled for.  My friend went on to admit that she, though normally very self confident, has been feeling very low about herself though she hasn’t let anyone know.  This message was just salt in the wound for her.  It made her feel worse about herself.

Now I know many of you are saying “Well, maybe the friend was worried about her health…yada yada yada” NO.  Expressing concern about someone’s health is not done in this way.  Why have we become a society of people that like to tear each other down because of the numbers on a scale or the size of our pants?  Why do we use “concern” to cover the fact that we are just being rude?  I’m not just referring to overweight people either.  Skinny people get it too!  When did shaming become okay?  When we could hide behind the keys of a computer?

Let’s all take a minute to walk in someone else’s shoes.  I could stand to do the same.  I’ve never understood someone who just needs to lose 10 pounds.  I’ll admit that I do an internal eye roll when I talk about my own journey and a “skinny” girl says “Oh yes!  I’m struggling to lose 10 pounds.”  See?  I just shamed her in my head.  I’m guilty.  Now I can relate to being fat shamed.  I read comments about fat shaming and not only does it make me angry, but it makes me sad.  How many times has someone looked at my picture and said “Girl needs to stay away from the buffet!”  The truth is buffets disgust me.  Someone who doesn’t know me will never know that.

Have you ever realized how much self esteem affects your surroundings even when you don’t show it?  I’ve been off my game since I moved.  I’m having a rough time adjusting and finding my new normal.  I joined a gym, but it’s not my gym.  I don’t feel comfortable because I don’t feel comfortable with me.  I’ve felt absolutely horrible about myself in the last few weeks.  I just want to cry because I don’t like what I see in the mirror.  Yet, I don’t want to go to the gym to help do something about it because I don’t want people to look at me thinking “Look at that fat girl!  What is she doing in here?”  I had these same fears at Chucktown until my trainer CJ told me “No one is looking at you.  Everyone is in here for their own reasons- to maintain, to build muscle, or to lose weight.  You don’t worry about anyone else.  You focus on you.”  I didn’t believe him at the time, but you know what?  He was right.  However, it’s not the same atmosphere.  Luckily, I’m not in a contract, so I’ll cancel and move on.  I get a discount at the YMCA so I’m going to try that out- but I digress.

Self esteem also affects our relationships.  My Ex-Boyfriend told me once that he hated when I talked bad about myself.  He said that I would talk about my disgust for the 10 pounds that I had gained.  He said it hurt him to hear me talk about myself that way because he thought I was beautiful with or without the 10 pounds.  The old adage is true- no one can love you until you love yourself.

So why is it so hard to love ourselves despite what we see in the mirror?  We’ve become so conditioned to measure our self worth based on outward appearances.  We, as human beings are more than just a number on a scale or the size of their waist.  We are more than the color of our skin, our hair, or our eyes.  We are more than the brand of clothes we wear.  We are more… we are awesome.

So if you are reading this and are feeling down about yourself or just need some friendly affirmations in your life- I am saying this to you.  You are an amazing person.  You have taken life’s punches and gotten back up to be here in this moment.  You are a great friend, coworker, lover, sister, brother, daughter, son.  You are an inspiration.  You make this world better just by your presence on this Earth.  Whether you know it or not, you have changed someone’s life.  God chose for you to wake up breathing this morning.  He gave you a purpose for your life- even if you are still searching for it.  God loves you.  I love you.  You are perfect just the way you are.